“Writing is what’s important to me, and anything that helps me do that — or enhances and prolongs and deepens and sometimes intensifies argument and conversation — is worth it to me,” he told Charlie Rose in a television interview in 2010, adding that it was “impossible for me to imagine having my life without going to those parties, without having those late nights, without that second bottle.”-Christopher Hitchens, 1949-2011
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ORDERED THE LAST LOBSTER!!AAHIFHSDIHTWE8H!!!!sfsAAAAHRGGGHH!!
You can’t imagine yourself not doing it.
If no one else had done it before, you’d still want to do it.
Even if the outcome is bad, you’ll be happy you did it.
You’ve listened to what everyone has said about it, and it hasn’t really changed your opinion.
You’re prepared to fail, but plan on succeeding.
You don’t care what the other options are, but you have considered them.
You’re willing to be criticized for doing it.
The only thing you’d regret is not doing the damn thing.
You have promised yourself, if it doesn’t works, you will try again.
You know it’s not the end of the world, either way.
Today is our anniversary. We’ve been dating for two years. We moved in together after about six months (New York real estate!), and this past September, we went down to City Hall and became official domestic partners. We’re doing alright, no complaints!
For the first few months of our relationship, when people would ask how we met, we would say a bar. I think we said Rosemary’s Greenpoint Tavern on Bedford Ave, which is actually a totally gross place to meet.
The truth is we met on OkCupid.
Most people know this now by now, and those who don’t are generally impressed when they find out.
“Wow, are you guys going to be in a commercial for them?”
“Ahh, see, I was going to try that, good to know it works…”
Subsequently, people are always asking me for OkCupid advice. I’ve decide this year, instead of writing a long-winded gushy post about how much I love Geoff, I am going to share the love (and some tricks) with you.
You’re going to want to bookmark this post, because this shit WILL be gold.
So You Wanna Find Love on OkCupid? Here is How!:
Step 1: This is the single most important aspect of online dating: IT CANNOT BE A CHORE. It can’t be this thing you hate doing because it makes you feel desperate (you’re not), and it can’t be this thing you hate doing because you’ve convinced yourself everyone on there sucks (they don’t). You shouldn’t get frustrated with it (it’s just a website), and you shouldn’t stop using it after one bad date or a week of no responses. OkCupid, like any worthwhile consumer product, needs to be part of your daily routine. It should, if used correctly, boost your ego, not diminish it.
Step 2: Self Promotion, not Self Deprecation. Think of your OkCupid profile as the dating version of your Linkedin profile. We all know what habits lose attractiveness as we get older (smoking, sleeping late, uncleanliness, bad previous relationships and the need to talk about them in the profile of your online dating site, long hair on men, using the term “dork” or “nerd” to describe yourself in any capacity). Leave that shit in the past and move on. Now you are an A/V EXPERT, not an A/V nerd. See what I did there?
Step 3: Body shots. I have friends with dope bodies who don’t post anything but face shots on OkCupid. This isn’t just bad for them; it’s bad for everyone! One of the fallacies of online dating is that everyone who does it is a liar and will show up to the date looking nothing like their profile pic. Everyone is deserving of love, so be honest – put your booty on there! It’s cliche, but whoever you’re going to end up with is going to love your body - they sort of have to for everything to work as it should.
Step 4: Do Something With It (or don’t)! I hear this all the time: “Oh, I’ve been on OkCupid for a while but I haven’t really done anything with it…” I think there are two things going on here, and I am going to break them down into subsections, so bear with me:
A. A lot of people join online dating sites when they are fresh out of a breakup. I’m not saying this is a bad thing (I’ve done it), and a lot of times we need that confidence boost and the feeling that there are other fish in the sea. If you’re not ready to date, don’t. But I think its important for the rest of us to remember that maybe that time you didn’t get a response from that guy or girl you messaged, it was because they were literally dumped last Tuesday. Just keep that in mind.
B. You’re crippled with fear. Look, I’m human, I get it. But listen, our early ancestors did us a huge favor and learned how to put fermented berries in bottles. Use that to your advantage. Whether you are writing a message that makes you nervous or going on the first date, here is my general rule: Get boozy enough to act honest, but not to act a fool.
Step 5: Date Early and Often. It’s silly to think that one day the perfect person is going to pop up on your “Recently Viewed You” page. You’re on OkCupid because you haven’t met that person on the train or at the bar, so why assume that you will know it’s them by their profile and a few grainy pics? I suggest going out on a date within the first week you join. Just rip that band-aid clean off. If the date sucks, do not be discouraged. Go out again and again and again. Geoff (my boyfriend) gets a kick out of telling people that he was dating 20 girls when he met me. I know, gross, but I actually don’t discourage this general sort of behavior – you’re young with nothing to lose – get out there, tiger!
Final word: If you go out on every date thinking the person might be “the one”, you’re only failing yourself. Go out on every date thinking this, “tonight I am meeting someone new, and maybe I will make out with them.”
Chances are, after a few drinks, you probably will.
1. Top Ten Things We Learned From TV in 2011
A: If you’re Michael Pitt-looking, chances are your mom will want to sleep with you more than once (ew, sorry).
2. Top Ten New Startups That Will Probably Never Have to Worry About Funding
A: HelloGiggles. I mean, really, they will never have to worry.
3. Top Ten Occupy Movements that succeeded more than the actual Occupy Wall Street Movement
Occupy People Magazine – BuzzFeed’s response to Ryan Gosling not being named the Sexiest Man Alive
4. Top Ten Local News Anchors in New York Who Should Replace Regis.
Pat Kiernan. No competition, right?
5. Top Ten Books Written By Mindy Kaling
Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns) (ed. I think she’s only written one other book - for kids).
6. Top Ten Hopeful Political Careers that Turned Sad Too Fast
Anthony Weiner. Sorry, not over this yet.
7. Top Ten Game of Thrones Characters We Love But Make Cold Halloween Costumes
A: All. But mostly Daenerys.
8. Top Ten Moments of Doubt in Everything Sacred
A:Beyoncé’s Fake Pregnancy Scare
9. Top Ten Places We Found Love
A: A Hopeless Place
10. Top Ten Top Ten Lists Written By a Top Ten Finalist in The Framingham State High School Essay Competition of ‘01
Resume Doing Whatever.
I was bullied as a kid. I went to a small artsy elementary school called “The Alternative School”, and from kindergarten through sixth grade, I was teased, humiliated, harassed, alienated, and left out of everything normal and fun. It was mostly other girls who teased me, and occasionally the boys went along with it. But the girls were the worst. They made fun of my hair, my clothes, my weight, my lunchbox, my dimpled chin – anything they could. This was before the Internet, so luckily, save for a few prank phone calls – I was safe at home. My parents were good and supportive and tried to get me to change schools. Every year I convinced them it would be different and that people would be nicer and I would make friends.
(This is when I decided a perm would make the bullying go away…. it did not).
It never happened. I spent seven years watching my back, crying at night, faking sick to stay home, and relying on my imagination to act as my best friend. It was terrible, (as most things that build character usually are).
Everything changed in middle school. Well, I think there were two things that ultimately made a huge difference:
1. There were 200 new kids for me to be friends with – weird kids, just like me.
2. I developed breasts over the summer. So, yeah.
This is the narrative I tell people as to how my bullying ended: Things just changed. I changed. From then on I had friends, boyfriends, was invited to parties, and had a relatively normal adolescence. College was pretty much the same. And even now, a few weeks before I turn 28 (sigh), I still generally feel pretty popular. I’ve made up for lost time, and Facebook has helped me feel infinitely superior to lots of the girls who wasted their time trying to make my life miserable way back when (yes, I said that).
And then this morning, I received this Facebook message.
I blocked out her name and face because this isn’t really about her. It’s about bullies and the bullied. It’s about age and growing up and the experiences we have that make us regret the times we hurt other people.
(Here I am dressed as a terrifying Jo Calderone, with some of my wonderful girl friends this past Halloween).
This is a message every bullied kid should see. Everything Dan Savage and Lady Gaga say is true: it gets better. It gets better because whether you are gay or straight or skinny or fat or Jewish or atheist, or rich or poor, one day (if you want it) you will wake up in your beautiful New York City apartment, next to someone you love who loves you back – and some silly girl from your childhood will have sent you a Facebook message that is 20 years overdue. And if the experience of being bullied has taught you anything, you’re not really going to feel compelled to respond to her.
I mean, why bother?
You’re likely going to feel compelled to forward the message to your family who took care of you all those years, because they deserve to see it. And maybe you’ll share it with your friends because they’ll get a kick out of it. And maybe you’ll use it for a blog post or an art piece or a song – you know, some talent you learned while you were isolated and didn’t have any friends. You’ll put it to good use because even though your life is better now, you still have a bruise from where that chair was pulled out from under you all those years. It’s an empathetic muscle memory that reminds you of all the other kids who are still getting picked on every day.
If you know any kids who should see this message, please send it to them. Also, I’d love to hear your stories of bullies apologizing. I am sure I am not the only one this has happened to!
Be lovely to each other!