I JUST FUCKING LOVE CHEESE. IT’S SO SCRUMPTIOUS. I AM SO FUCKING AFRAID OF MOLD, BUT I WILL EAT CHEESE UNTIL I AM SO BLOATED THAT I NEED TO BE CARTED AROUND IN A WHEELBARROW. I LOVE A GOURMET CHEESE BOARD, BUT I AIN’T TOO PROUD TO BEG SO I’LL FUCKING EAT SOME GOOD-ASS VELVEETA RIGHT OUT OF THE BOX, GOD DAMN IT. VELVEETA SHELLS AND CHEESE IS SOME SPECIAL SHIT, BY THE WAY. MY SISTER AND I USED TO PUT THE CHEESE PACK ON THE STOVE WHILE THE PASTA WAS COOKING SO THE ORANGE CHEESE PRODUCT WITHIN THAT SILVER BAG WOULD BE WARM AND GOOEY. THEN ONE TIME WHEN I WAS ALONE I PUT THE CHEESE BAG IN THE MICROWAVE AND THEN FOUND OUT THAT BAG IS ALUMINUM WHEN LIGHTNING INSIDE THE MICROWAVE STRUCK THE BAG AND MADE THE WHOLE THING EXPLODE ALL OVER THE PLACE. I WAS A FUCKING DUMMY, HUH? ANYWAY, CHEESE IS ALSO PRETTY FUCKING SOPHISTICATED AND CAN HELP YOU ON SEXY DATES. “WOULD YOU CARE FOR SOME CLOTHBOUND CHEDDAR, PRECIOUS ONE?” IT’S SO PERFECT FOR ROMANTICIZING PEOPLE, UNLESS YOU PLAN ON DOING ANAL. JUST BEING HONEST! LISTEN, THOUGH, YOU PEOPLE WHO DO THAT BRIE EN CROUTE BULLSHIT NEED TO STOP POURING JELLY ON MY MOTHER FUCKING CHEESE. CHEESE IS SAVORY AND I PREFER IT TO STAY THAT WAY, SO SAUTE SOME ONIONS AND GARLIC OR LEEKS OR SOME SHIT AND PUT THAT JELLY ON SOME BREAD FOR BREAKFAST, YOU WEIRDOS. “OH I JUST LOOOOOOVE MANGO CHUTNEY WITH THIS BRIE!” WELL, I DON’T ASSHOLES. CHUTNEY SOUNDS LIKE CHUNKY WHICH MAKES ME THINK OF THROW UP AND THAT’S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. LET’S FUCKING MELT SOME CHEESE IN A POT AND STICK THINGS IN IT AND ACT LIKE WE AREN’T JUST USING BROCCOLI AS A SPOON TO SUCK DOWN AS MUCH TANGY, CHEESY GOODNESS WE POSSIBLY CAN WITHOUT CHOKING TO DEATH! STRAIGHT OUTTA COMTE? GOOD, BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY CHEESE I THINK TASTES LIKE PEOPLE’S FEET. OK!
