Tell Me About Your Diet, LOL
Diet talk is 3 things to most women:
1. Fascinating
2. Infuriating
3. Boring
But this time of year, it feels like all my friends are on a diet, trying to diet, doing a cleanse, complaining about “the holiday poundage”, and basically trying to eat green and feel 17 again. I am terrible at diets and have zero self-control but at 28, I am starting to feel old and a tad confused. What am I supposed to be eating? Does everyone know something I don’t? Where did you all learn this? WHAT IS NORMAL?! HOW MUCH KALE IS ENOUGH KALE? AM I A FAILURE BECAUSE I CAN’T RUN A 5K? (OR A MILE?) IS NO ONE GOING TO HELP ME EAT THESE NACHOS?
So I am asking my friends about their knowledge of dieting, healthy eating, and body image to get the low down (hah, could of said skinny), and hopefully figure out what everyone is up to - mostly just because I am confused and curious and I feel like since we are all talking about it anyway, we might as well talk about it ON THE INTERNET.
Anyways, my dear friend Kelly is currently doing the Alli diet (yes, the anal leakage diet). I asked her to tell me a little more about it, just because, like I said, I am curious and confused about everything. Her response made me laugh, and with her permission, I now share it with you (warning, it’s the grossest thing I’ve ever published on my blog):
Alli is AWESOME. But it is also HORRIBLE. Before you start, you have to look yourself in the eyes and say “self, are you ready to not go out to eat for a full month? Self, are you ready to plan out nearly every meal to avoid shitting your pants? Self, are you ready to fear farting for an entire month?” If you say yes to yourself, you’re ready to go.
Go to their website: myalli.com (you don’t need to have bottle purchased to access all the great stuff, including recipes, etc.). Go there and plan out a full 7 days of meals using their meal planner. This will set you up for when you actually start taking the pill. You’ll have WAY less potential for beginners “treatment effects” AKA oozy drawers, if you already have a good week of very low fat in your pocket.
I love bullets…
AWESOME:
• Strict. So strict. But not painful - you are not starved, you just aren’t eating an assload of cheese.
• Negative reinforcement is amazing. It’s the difference between eating 5 slices of pizza and feeling guilty and falling off the wagon completely vs. the sheer fear of shitting your pants in public, thus foregoing the pizza, and staying the course.
• Amazing website, where you can track your every calorie, gram of fat, and EXERCISE. The control, the planning, the knowing every number, the fun of tracking all of it, the nearly immediate results, it’s so great.
• Me - I can give you inside scoop. Like, take Metamucil every day because you get a little constipado the first few days. Metamucil for the life of your diet guarantees some of the most rewarding morning poops. I take mine every night and my mornings are blissful. Panty liners are piece of mind. Period. Also, you can fart, and you will fart, a lot, but it’s scary, because you always think it could be THE FART. THE FART THIS TIME that delivers what looks like oil from the top of a pizza into your drawers. If you always eat under the allotted fat gram situation, you will not shit your pants. Or spray paint your under drawers orange. I promise.
• You can drink. Now, I gave up alcohol until mid Feb, but not because of the diet. You CAN drink, but you shouldn’t because of the RIDIC amount of calories alcohol shits into your system. You will see results faster if you do not drink. Because really, on top of less fat, you have to eat less calories than you burn or some shit to actually lose weight anyway. It feels really good to not have wino bloat, let me tell you. Then again, I’ve been pretty polluted for a while.
• After your 1st 7 days you will feel lighter. It feels great.
• It’s a month commitment. It felt really good to make the decision and know it was my deal, no one could sway me either way, and I was going to stick to it. I treat it like rehab. I mean, rehab is about that long.
HORRIBLE
• You will be tooty
• Your belly will feel kind of funny throughout the whole diet. Why? Because you’re ingesting a diet pill, that’s why. It’s not horrific, it’s just odd sometimes. And if you exceed your fat allotment you will feel whackamole jones, and I suggest not going out in public that day. Or at least be toilet ready…
• Social eating. I am a hermit for this (and other self imposed reasons this month) reason. Especially when you first start, you need to just really focus on not slipping. It’s too hard not to slip when you’re out. Sure, you can say, “I’m just going to meet Chauncey out and WATCH them eat.” Suddenly you’ve got a peanut in your mouth, and marbles in your drawers.
• You can drink. You shouldn’t. But you can. And this is horrible because we all know drinking leads to bad mistakes - of the danglin’ variety and of the food choices variety. It’s easy to be flip about that burrito when you’re 4 glasses in… and then have the worst next 8 hours of your life.
• It’s a month commitment. You have to deal with everyone’s food photos on Tumblr, Pinterest, FB, Twitter, while you eat this low fat low carb diet. THOSE DOUGHNUTS! THAT HOT DOG, THOSE PIZZA BAGELS!! CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!!! It’s NY and we’re tortured daily. but the way I approach it is as an asshole. I commit almost to be an asshole to all that food.
WATCH OUT when you complete the first month. Last time I did this, I actually did it for one starter pack + a refill. I wanted to really make sure it stuck. So I REALLY COMMITTED. I looked amazing. My bf didn’t want to fuck me but I looked and felt amazing. When you’re DONE, do not jump into fatty fat food again right away. You will experience treatment effects days after. This is as good a threat as any to keep ME on track after the diet. You’re going to want to feast on all the food foregone, but DON’T. You just put yourself through this - not to unravel as soon as that last pill is gone.
It’s like a refresh button, you learn how to eat really low fat and low cal, you learn to eat less like a glutton (I mean me here) and more consciously. I love it. Just remember, the treatment effects are no joke. Stay within the guidelines :)
And that, my dear, is my insight.
So, uh, who is doing Alli? What is normal to you? TELL ME MORE.
